Monday, August 30, 2004

Jessica Simpson is not human

I'm watching the MTV Video Music Awards that I TiVo'ed last night, and I've reached the conclusion that Jessica Simpson is some sort of cyborg. Watching her odd machinations up on the stage, she reminded me of some sort of pleasurebot from a sci-fi novel. Even her obviously pre-recorded singing was just plain weird, full of oddly-pronounced vowels issuing forth from her perfectly glossy, over-accentuated mouth.

I also realized that I haven't seen the majority of the videos nominated for awards. I'm sure that next year I won't have heard the songs, and the year after that I won't have heard of the artists, and then I'll just be in my rocker on the front porch waving my cane at passers-by, screeching in my rickety-krickety old lady voice, "You goddamn kids stay off my lawn!"

Oh look, there's Cristina Aguilera, being all '20s? '40s? Some indeteriminate old-timey jazz era. That's so cute. I'm not 100% sure, but I think that Nelly wasn't really playing the piano. Hm. That Nelly. He's an enigma.

One last pressing matter -- what the hell has P. Diddy done to his hair?!?! He thinks that "there is nothing hotter or sexier than a Miami fiesta." Mase thinks the "youf of America" need to vote. Poor Alicia Keyes forgot to put on a very necessary bra.

I'm so frightened. Beyonce's hair may eat us all.

Update: Ok, I lied. I said one last pressing matter, but this show is such a train wreck I cannot stop. Ashlee Simpson just encouraged her co-presenter Tony Hawk to do some skateboarding tricks on the stage. While he did a few perfunctory runs up and down the ramp, runs SO perfunctory that even I in all my skateboarding ignorance could tell they were lame as hell, Ashlee screeched into the microphone, "HELL YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT." That's what I'm talking about.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good lord woman. Perhaps you should TiVo Newlyweds. Then you would discover what the rest of America already knows: Jessica Simpson is delightfully human. She burps! She drinks Miller Lite! She pouts! She loves her husband! She says silly things! Plus, who can deny the catchiness of "Now that I'm with you (with you, with you, with yooo-oou) Hunh hunh unh uh! Hunh hunh unh uh!"

August 30, 2004 at 4:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


August 30, 2004 at 4:56 PM  

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