When I win the lottery I'm placing a full-page ad in the local paper

Drivers of Dallas, there seems to be a misunderstanding. The majority of you appear to have been granted driver's licenses without grasping the fundamental rules of operating a motor vehicle. Fear not! Karo is here, and will help you avoid debilitating car accidents with a few Tips for Driving:

• Tailgating: This needs to stop. F'real. There is no excuse for you driving your Escalade three inches behind my back bumper. BACK OFF, YOU 5'2" BLOND SHE-DEVIL.
  
  
• The turn signal: This is controlled by the little level coming out of your steering wheel. You do not appear to be familiar with it. Please, please use it. Also, for those of you who do use your turn signal, but only when you're halfway into my lane -- YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT. The turn signal is supposed to alert me to your future actions. If you're already in my lane, I'M ON IT.
  
  
• The pedals: Dallasites, I'm here to tell you that 75% of our traffic woes could be remedied by clearing up the misconception that your foot must be depressing a pedal at all times. Believe it or not, this is not true! You don't need to be accelerating or riding your brakes at any given time. Sometimes, JUST GIVE YOUR RIGHT FOOT A BREAK. This will cut down on the tailgating and the ...
  
  
• Merging: We really need to work on this. When a car is approaching on the on-ramp, take your foot off the accelerator. Please note I did not say, "Slam on the brakes." I also did not say, "Ignore the other car." Take your foot off the GODDAMN ACCELERATOR AND GIVE ME SOME FUCKING ROOM.