Wednesday, January 19, 2005

When I win the lottery I'm placing a full-page ad in the local paper

Drivers of Dallas, there seems to be a misunderstanding. The majority of you appear to have been granted driver's licenses without grasping the fundamental rules of operating a motor vehicle. Fear not! Karo is here, and will help you avoid debilitating car accidents with a few Tips for Driving:
  • Tailgating: This needs to stop. F'real. There is no excuse for you driving your Escalade three inches behind my back bumper. BACK OFF, YOU 5'2" BLOND SHE-DEVIL.

  • The turn signal: This is controlled by the little level coming out of your steering wheel. You do not appear to be familiar with it. Please, please use it. Also, for those of you who do use your turn signal, but only when you're halfway into my lane -- YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT. The turn signal is supposed to alert me to your future actions. If you're already in my lane, I'M ON IT.

  • The pedals: Dallasites, I'm here to tell you that 75% of our traffic woes could be remedied by clearing up the misconception that your foot must be depressing a pedal at all times. Believe it or not, this is not true! You don't need to be accelerating or riding your brakes at any given time. Sometimes, JUST GIVE YOUR RIGHT FOOT A BREAK. This will cut down on the tailgating and the ...

  • Merging: We really need to work on this. When a car is approaching on the on-ramp, take your foot off the accelerator. Please note I did not say, "Slam on the brakes." I also did not say, "Ignore the other car." Take your foot off the GODDAMN ACCELERATOR AND GIVE ME SOME FUCKING ROOM.


Blogger Emptyman said...

Most bad driving is caused by the same thing that cause a lot of other societal woes:

A fundamental disbelief in the existence of other human beings.

I swear to God, two-thirds of the human race behaves EVERY DAY like Dwayne Hoobler rampaging through Indiana. Convinced that the rest of us are just robots created to test his exercise of free will.

January 19, 2005 at 1:09 PM  
Blogger Missy said...

Alternatively you could live in St. Louis and spend all your energies trying to not shout at the cars in front of you ... GO!! the light is GREEN! you are going 20 MPH hour UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT!! is everyone around me FOUR THOUSAND YEARS OLD?!?!?!

January 19, 2005 at 3:35 PM  

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