Sunday, January 23, 2005

The most shocking rose ceremony EVER

The Sunday after the 2004 presidential election BK and I went to the First Unitarian Church of Dallas. We were both pretty beaten down by the election's outcome and local poll results made us feel at odds with the vast majority of the city we now call our home. We wanted to gather together with like-minded folks and lick our wounds. I have friends who are members of UU churches, and BK and I had both emerged as budding Universalists when we took the quiz. We figured, what the heck. At worst we hate it and never go back.

But the thing is, we liked it. So we joined. And today we took part in the new member recognition, where you shlep up to the front of the sanctuary and are recognized with a few words and a rose. Two notes:

1. I guilted BK into breakfast out this morning because he called me last night at ten to tell me he was done playing poker with his buds but was going to "go out" for a few more hours, "go out" being a thinly veiled euphemism for "look at naked ladies." Something I ate made me very, um, [stage-whisper]gassy[/stage-whisper], and I was convinced a big, nasty fart was going to escape from my tightly-clenched buttcheeks just as I stepped up to the front of the sanctuary. Thankfully, I managed to Keep It All on the Inside, and the congregation was spared the trumpeting of my angry bowels.

2. The ceremony was almost exactly like the rose ceremonies seen on The Bachelor. TO A TEE. You walk up to the minister, who is holding a long-stemmed rose, and he addresses you by name and says the same few sentences he's said to the 10 people before you. I was trying so hard not to laugh as I stood there gazing into his earnest face, totally expecting him to say, "Karo, do you accept this rose?" At which point I would say, "Of course!" or some other phrase I'd been cooking up all week to say in lieu of "Yes" and we would hug and I would run back to the rest of the new member group with a smug look on my face. Then Chris Harrison would appear and tell the people who didn't get a rose to say their goodbyes, and I would hug them and act all sad but would slowly and distinctly mouth "SUCK IT" to them when my back was to the cameras.

Official disclaimer: The above paragraph in no way indicates that I watch, or have ever watched, The Bachelor. And I especially do not watch the current season of The Bachelorette. Because that would be BAD. Just don't call me at 8:00 on Monday nights, ok?


Blogger Twink said...



You know all about me and the UUs. But I am ALL ABOUT laughing inappropriately during solemn churchy things. The Chub and I almost lost it during a baptism because the water pouring into the basin reminded us of the scene in Austin Powers when he is thawed out and pees endlessly.

Also, beware during Open Mic Night, or whatever it is they call it. That's when this guy said, "There is the ninth circle of hell, and that is for lawyers. But there is a circle below that, and that is for child molesters. But the circle below THAT is for lawyers who unjustly accuse people of molesting children!" Oh, my.

January 23, 2005 at 8:45 PM  
Blogger Emptyman said...

The Quakers -- at least the East Coast "unprogrammed" variety -- sit in silence as a group unless/until the Spirit moves someone to speak to the congregation.

Oddly the Spirit always seems to move the woman you least want to hear speak.

January 24, 2005 at 10:54 AM  

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