Tuesday, January 25, 2005

JIC Bill Gates is a loyal reader and is feeling generous today

Before you read today's post, please note that I fully comprehend how frivolous and materialistic it is. Understand that I am highly appreciative of my spoiled American life, and that I am cognizent of the fact that, world-wide, children are starving to death daily at an alarming rate. I am grateful for the heaps of food on my plate, the warmth of my 2000 sq. ft. home, and the thousands of dollars of ridiculous and unnecessary gadgetry contained within. WHO AM I to have the ability to record FOUR DIFFERENT TELEVISION SHOWS at the same time when there are people suffering so much misery and pain?

However.

The flesh is weak and I am a lothesome human being who knows these things but is too lazy to Do Something About It. I am not out there in the soup kitchens and Peace Corps where I would be Making a Difference. My Teach for America karma is all used up and now I can only sit, troll-like, in my living room and contemplate my place in this world as a fraud. And then when the self-flagellation grows tiresome, I can think about ...

More Useless Shit I Covet

If I had an extra $14.95 a month, I would move my blog to TypePad. I am under the impression that this would give me more street cred as a blogger. Ideally, I would just build my own blog using Movable Type, I know. But the thought of that makes me tired. But if I used TypePad, there would be categories! And TypeLists! And FOAF GENERATION! (I'm just kidding about that last part. I mean, it would be there. But I wouldn't know what the hell it was.)

If I had roughly an extra $1000 lying around, I would buy a digital SLR, mayhaps the Nikon D70. I have this fantasy going where owning a D70 would magically transform me into a master photographer and I would quit my job and slink around town in a beret taking really sweet photos of shit really close up and really far away, all properly focused and never blurry. Also, I would be able to take photos instantaneously instead of holding down the button for 30 seconds which is fine for Thanksgiving with the Family but not so much for anything, you know, cool.

I would not say no to a dvd player for the bedroom. This fantasy involves lounging about in bed watching Meg Ryan movies on a Sunday morning while the rain pitter-patters against the window. Since Sunday mornings in the Land of Reality involve waking up at 8:30 and vacuuming and doing four loads of laundry, I can pretty safely say that I'm not missing out on that much.

Were a few more hundred dollars to magically appear in my bank account, I would buy many items at the Posh Baby online store. Don't worry, it's not the grief talking -- I am fully aware that I am neither a mother nor with child. But hopefully I will be one day and in the meantime I could take out my brand-new, not-yet-pooped-on, diaper bag in Twirl out of the closet and pet it during the hard times.

Frequent manicures, pedicures, and eyebrow waxings got canned post-salary-cut. As a result, my husband now shrinks back in horror when confronted with the chipped mess that is my toes, and although I give my eyebrows a few half-hearted plucks every now and then, they're teetering on the brink of Teen Wolf. Sure, I could do my own fingers and toes, but that would require time and effort and I just got the next Alias DVD in the mail from Netflix so I couldn't possibly SPARE THE GEEDEE TIME.

Having now alienated all readers with my wretched display of commercialism, I am now going to quietly hate myself while enjoying a Sonny Bryan's frito pie.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't hate you for your wanting of consumer goods. I am right there with you, except for the camera thing. Instead I am all for the Canon XL2 DV CamCorder. Mmmmmm XL2. But i do hate you for having a Sonny Bryan's Frito Pie. We do not have thoses in VA. Oh how I miss those. Mmmmmm, tater tots.

- swd

January 25, 2005 at 3:07 PM  
Blogger Twink said...

Hi, this is Bill Gates, logged into Twink's computer. I am feeling generous today. I don't have any Microsoft products to send you, but I just got some Dunkin Donuts coupons in the mail, which are on their way to you.

This is Twink now. I just distracted BG with a Slim Jim that I tossed in the corner. We have a DVD player in the bedroom only because the Chub and I both brought one to the marriage. I will admit that it is quite luxurious to watch DVDs from bed.

I get my hair cut at a place that gives me a discount with my grocery card. They don't trim my hair by inverting a bowl on my head, but it is almost that bad. They also have a frequent buyer's card, like a buy six burritos, get the seventh burrito free kind of thing. Only, replace "burrito" with "haircut." The haircut does not come with a side of pico de gallo, however. That costs extra.

I will go in to the fancy place for the eyebrow wax though. Mmmmm, eyebrow wax.

January 25, 2005 at 5:13 PM  
Blogger Emptyman said...

The only consumer good I frequently covet is Quisp cereal. There's a place in Pennsylvania where Quisp can still be purchased. Periodically I drive an hour each way to buy a box.

Spy Magazine once did a feature on high-priced gadgetry which it referred to as Yuppie Porn.

My old PDA -- on which my life depends -- looks as if I used it to fend off a ninja attack. And it's old enough that I think if I pried the back off I would find a small dinosaur hammering away on a stone tablet, a la the Flinstones. So I am trying to find a new one that makes me turgid enough to buy it. But so far no luck.

I recognize that this makes me a threat to our consumer-based economy. My blog may be updated from Gitmo as a result.

January 26, 2005 at 10:45 AM  
Blogger Uriel da Costa said...

A red 1951 Oldsmobile Super 88 convertible.

Except then I'd have to find something on AM radio besides neo-fascist ranting.

January 26, 2005 at 1:53 PM  

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