Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Attack of the appliqué sweater

This afternoon the administration of the university for which I work had its annual "Christmas Pig-Out." I was told that 103 people signed up to either bring a dish or paid $7 (correctly guess which category I was in and you win the satisfaction of being right). Of the 103 people who were there, I would estimate that 85 of them were wearing a Christmas-themed appliqué sweater. The remaining 17 were wearing Christmas-themed appliqué vests.

I am well aware that the upcoming rant is based purely on my own urban/European snobbery. HOWEVER.

What the fuck is wrong with the women of America and their goddamn appliqué sweaters?!?!

I understand the desire to be festive during the Holiday Season. Really I do. But must we celebrate with our clothing? Must we don these woven monstrosities heavy with bows and bells and all other manner of adornment that can be adhered using a hot glue gun? MUST there be an unwritten law that one may only wear red or green during the latter half of December? Must there, I ask you? MUST THERE?!?!

Now then. Having thoroughly offended those of you currently sitting at your computers wearing an appliqué sweater, as well as those of you picking up an appliqué sweater from the dry cleaner's after work to wear tomorrow, let me move on and offend the other half.

Let me move on and offend those of you who are guilty of egregious marshmallow overuse.

To me, there are FOUR allowable uses of the marshmallow. The first would be on a stick while camping. The next would be s'mores. Next is in hot chocolate. Finally, I'm throwing in the subsidiary marshmallow product of marshmallow creme, used for making fudge.

You may have noticed that in my list, I have left out all manner of salad. THIS IS INTENTIONAL, PEOPLE. Put the marshmallows DOWN. And while you're at it, you may need to seriously reconsider your use of mayonnaise.

Update: It has been brought to my attention by eagle-eyed reader Twink that Rice Krispie treats take marshmallows. My apologies! Please make that FIVE allowable uses for the marshmallow. Then again, she also mentioned THIS abomination, so perhaps Twink's advice should be taken with a grain of salt:
"Twink special for all nighters": hoagie roll spread with honey, peanut butter, sliced bananas, and then you take the other side of the hoagie roll, put marshmallows on it, nuke it until the mashmallows are big and puffy, and then slap it down on the other side.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

My sister puts marshmallows on top of her canned yam dish. It's not that bad. But it might just be a Hispanic thing. Of course, we also eat beef tongue, so what do we know about food?

Um... what's an appliqué sweater?

-- Mexikid

December 14, 2004 at 2:14 PM  
Blogger Karo said...

Here is a particularly horrendous example:


December 14, 2004 at 2:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ohmygosh twink! before i got to your comment, i was thinking that Karo forgot the 5th use - microwaving them until they get HUGE

kudos karo! this post made me lol riotously

December 14, 2004 at 5:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

to be fair, i must also add that fancy Christmas sweaters were SUCH A TREAT for me when i was WAY TOO OLD. sadly, i grew up non-urban, non-European, mid-sized-town Texan. now when i pass them in Dillard's and cringe, part of me is cringing for my old self who didn't pass them, but stopped and admired and coveted.

December 14, 2004 at 5:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Last week at the SYMPHONY, while I waited for my friend to get out of the bathroom, I turned and noticed the 100 women in line behind us all donning the applique Christmas sweaters. Now, it's one thing to wear them to a Christmas Pig Out (although I can't say I ever condone the wearing of them at all) but for crying out loud - the symphony!?

~ missy

December 15, 2004 at 7:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is the marshmallow loving Twink. I like the comment about eating beef tongue. I eat most anything, but tongue skeeves me out a little. See, because when you are tasting beef tongue, it's as if the beef tongue is tasting YOU.

One time I made crappy s'mores in the microwave with stale graham crackers, a handful of chocolate chips, and a very stale Peep.

December 15, 2004 at 10:12 AM  
Blogger Sarachkah said...

Whew, I am not offended by your post because I do not wear appliqued sweaters and I do not overuse marshmallows.

I'm just glad you didn't bust on the the velvet shoes-that-look-like-slippers that are appliqued with Christmas things like candy canes. Because I loves me some Christmas shoes! There just so...hip!

December 15, 2004 at 11:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Laura Bush should totally get that scottie sweater if she doesn't have it already...

December 16, 2004 at 6:19 PM  

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